By: jube
Warning: The following review is rated M, for mature. It
contains coarse language and analogies that might not be suitable
for younger audiences. Who am I kidding, this isn?t going to stop
anybody from reading on. Do take into account though that
Formula One 99 from Psygnosis is only available in the UK at the
moment. Enjoy the review and please, turn off your cell phones
during the show.
According to my watch, it has been a little over a year since I
literally soiled myself over Monaco Grand Prix 2. If my editor
would be so kind as to include one, you can follow a link to that
overly congratulatory yank fest here.
For those of you who would prefer a brief summation of that
review, allow me to explain in stylized analogy.
Formula 1 ?99 is to Monaco GP 2 what your sex life is to late night
Cinemax. In other words, a poor masturbatory experience.
Monaco GP 2 has better lighting, more staying power and a lot less
sticky residue.
Let?s not forget that, and don?t act surprised if I happen to mention
this later on, Monaco GP 2 came out 14 months ago. Be it graphics,
depth of gameplay, sound, or simulated solar flares, Monaco GP 2
out plays F1 ?99 in nearly every category I can make up. About the
only thing that F1 ?99 has over Monaco is an officially licensed
product of FIA Formula One. Though racing toe to toe against
Hakkinen and Schumacher ranks pretty high on my list of F1
simulation requirements, you just can?t beat the snazzy solar flares
in Monaco 2!
Before I get too far sidetracked with a discussion of the gameplay
and features in F1 ?99, let me mention an important fact which may
not have been previously clear to you. Monaco GP 2 came out
over a year ago and it?s way fucking better than this game. Try to
wrap your underpowered brainstem around that concept. Again, I
resort to analogy for lack of any other means of explanation.
Playing Formula 1 ?99 instead of Monaco 2 is like taking your sister
to prom instead of getting drunk and screwing the head
cheerleader in the back of her big brother?s Camaro.
And unlike prom, this time around you do a have a choice. So
make it wisely. Let me just come out and say what needs to be
said. F1 ?99 uses a fine array of dated graphics, dodgey race AI
and low-fi sound effects to establish itself as the most unambitious,
indistinct F1 racing game I?ve ever played. Kudos, Psygnosis.
Basic car configuration options, two modes of play, and lacking
car damage effects really round out the whole, "Monaco 2 GP is
way better than this game at it came out over a year ago?," thing
I was talking about earlier. The current driver rosters, passable
renderings of GP tracks and working (!!) multiplayer are the
absolute bottom line saving graces of this title. Really, it comes
down to this: Formula 1 ?99 is a budget title that?s simply
outclassed by another title. If you are looking for accurate
simulation, look elsewhere. If you are more interested in arcade
style Formula racing, and don?t mind staring at the obvious result
of poor planning, a minimal budget and blatently inept gameplay,
give F1 ?99 a try. Just make sure to have little Jenny back before
11, tiger.
12/20
11/15
18/30
12/20
3/5
6/10
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